When I was younger I always had a lot of male friends in my life. I would get asked about this often. Probably more than I should have. I would typically answer with things like "girls are so catty" or "I find it easier to relate to guys". It wasn't something that ever really bothered me, or something that I thought was weird.
As I grew up I retreated more and more into myself. Now, when I look around I see myself with very few female friendships and even fewer meaningful ones. I usually attribute this to the fact that I've moved around a lot since leaving high school and that isn't really conducive to fostering friendships. Sure, some have remained, but others have either sizzled out, or full on imploded.
I take full responsibility, but I have also spent a lot of time thinking about why I let this happen to me. Maybe I'll never know but I have a couple of ideas
My negative history
I was bullied a lot when I was younger. The bullies were exclusively female. Maybe that is where I got the aforementioned "catty" comment from. Truth be told, I don't remember a lot about the bullying in my early years. But my mom tells me that as early as grade 1 and 2 I would be in the bathroom throwing up because I was so anxious to go to school and see my classmates. As I got older the bullying became worse and worse to the point where I was actually jumped by a girl in the cafeteria. I'm sure that subconsciously I carried over this anxiety into my adult friendships.
Investing in the Wrong Friendships
I'll admit that I have been known to spend time focusing on the wrong type of friendships. Mostly, this means the type that are very one sided. The ones where their once used to be a very strong friendship and now there is nothing. Call it living in the past. I believed that there was something so strong there once upon a time and that it can be back to life if I just care enough. This is really something that I need to work on. A LOT. I totally realize how unhealthy this is, and how unfair it is to my friends who do deserve my love an attention.
I don't go out
*insert shrugging emoji here* The truth is, I am a home body. Also, I really enjoy my own company. I've never been a joiner (see the bullying thing above...), so meeting new people is near impossible for me. Not only do I not meet new people, but frankly just going out at all with the people I already know is something that doesn't really come naturally to me. Suddenly I turn around and I haven't seen my friends in months because I really haven't gone out at all.
I really don't want this post to seem like I am down on myself, because I totally am not. I just wanted to reflect and try and put down in words something that I've been thinking about a lot lately. This topic is one that will probably show up on my blog more than once because it's something I struggle with nearly every day.
Do you think about your friendships often? Do you consider yourself a good friend, or is it something you could spend some more time working on?